Whirlwind of Fear. May 20, 2013

It was a bright, sunny day, as any other.

I was following my usual routine of dropping my daughter off at school for her half day of kindergarten, and heading to the gym for therapy. 

Earlier in the day, the news broadcast a chance of nasty weather for later, but as an Oklahoman, you learn to take our weather reports with a grain of salt.  I had pulled up the radar, but hadn't seen any sign of said storms, so I didn't think twice about it.

I had finished my workout regimen and entered the sauna to relax during my last 30 minutes, before I had to pick up my kiddo.

BANG! The entire sauna shook around me.  I yanked my ear buds just in time to hear a loud bang, telling me it was thunder outside, and the lightning was clearly near head.  I walked out of the sauna to search the facility, only to find everyone had left; even the staff had left without telling me a word.

Suddenly panic struck all over my body.  I could feel all the blood rushing to my head as my hair stood on end, and scalp got over heated.  I gathered my things as though I was the fastest woman on earth, and ran to my car.  It was pouring rain so hard outside, visibility down the street was slim.

I immediately turned on the radio to hear a tornado had touched down a few miles from our town, and was heading straight down our street that runs several miles through neighboring towns.

All I could think was, are they sure?  Too often in Oklahoma, our weathermen say a tornado has touched down, only to find it hadn't, but there had instead been circulation on the radar.  

My thoughts went to my daughter.  If there is a tornado truly heading our way, would I have time to get her and head home to our shelter? I knew I couldn't risk her being at school frightened, or worse, in the line of fire. 

I pulled up to her school knowing school wasn't out yet, but there wasn't any way they were keeping my child with the threat of this tornado.  I frantically ran to her class and picked her up, giving her teacher a face of utter fear.  I remember her saying something to me, but in that moment, I felt like I was in an episode of Charlie Brown. I gave her the nod.

I ran with her in my arms around the school to my car, while hail pounded on my head.  All I had to protect her was my jacket I had grabbed from my car, and my shoulder.  She grew with panic in this run that seemed like 15 minutes, but I knew to only be seconds.

<blockquote>"What's wrong mamma? I'm scared; what is going on?"

"There is bad weather baby, we have to get Brian (my fiancé) right now and get home to our shelter." I tried to hold back the panic in my voice but sometimes you can't hide the fact you can't breathe.</blockquote>

By now the wind had changed and was making driving more difficult.  The rain was so heavy I could barely see, but because it was so heavy, I knew we still had time as long as it stayed that way.

I drove as fast as I could to pick up my fiancé, who I found outside with a golf umbrella looking up at the sky.  My first thought was, 'Is he not aware of the tornado? Does he know something I'm unaware of? Did the tornado change course and we are now safe?' He slowly got into the car, nonchalant, and smiled at me.  I'll never forget that smile.  I decided to let him drive so I could focus on my daughter and keep her calm.

The rain dwindled down just as he came to a red light. He sat there, looking off into the distance.  As if in a movie, I looked in the direction he was gazing, unclear as to what I was seeing.  I decided to take a picture of the storm. While looking at the storm in person, we couldn't see what was right in front of us. I took the picture then looked with utter disbelief.  Clearly there was a tornado right in front of us.  I knew he was frightened too, because he just sat there, jaw dropped.

<blockquote>My daughter started screaming, "Mommy I'm scared I want to go home! What about Paisley (our cat)? Please mommy I want to go home!"

I started pushing him as if to shake him from his shock. "Brian we need to leave NOW, we have to get in a shelter!"</blockquote>

He decided to forget the red light and speed as fast as possible to home which was only a minute away.  We saw two men across the street outside of a 7/11 just staring at the tornado, as if they too were too close to see it.  I rolled down my window and began screaming at them to take shelter, while they stared at me as though I was stupid; I still don't know if they made it.

He sped down the street driving like a crazy person through our neighborhood.  We pulled into the driveway when he told me to grab my daughter and run as fast as we could to the backyard to our shelter.  He immediately jumped out of the car as I too opened my door, but the wind was so strong my door closed back on me. I opened my door again, stepping one foot out on the concrete, when I looked to the west and saw houses exploding on our street.  I was frozen. Brian was then at my door telling me to get out but I couldn't.  All I could do was stare at the debris flying through the air 7 houses down the street.  I could see a semi in the air, as well as several fragments of houses.

<blockquote>"I can't move! Brian my legs won't move!"

"Get out of the car now! Hurry!" he said.

"Brian please, I can't!"</blockquote>

That is when he decided to take his first look at our street.  He ran back to the drivers seat and got in the car. We looked at each other knowing we might not see each other again.

First my window was knocked out by a 2x4, also hitting me in the head. Right then, I knew, we would be flying in the air at any  moment.

<blockquote>I yelled at my daughter, "get your seat-belt back on right now! Hurry!"</blockquote>

We all got our seat-belts on when a brick came crashing through his window, hitting him in the head.  He decided to put the car in reverse and try and make a run for it but there wasn't any time.  It was right on us.  He slammed on the brake and took us both in his arms when another two by four crashed through my daughters window, hitting him in the hand that was holding her head.  

As I sat there with my head in his armpit I thought, 'We are all going to die. I'm never going to be able to hold my daughter again. Are we in the air?' I peeked my head up over his  shoulder to try and get a glimpse of what was going on around us but couldn't see anything.  Everything looked like it was surrounded by gray smoke. The air smelled of mildew and insulation. The car was shaking frantically but it didn't appear as though we were in the sky. I couldn't hear anything but the sound of a train; it was a sound I hear every night when I close my eyes-a sound so loud you want to cover your ears and hide. I closed my eyes again and took shelter in my loves' arms.

Within seconds, the sky was clear and sunny again.  We were alive.

<blockquote>I asked Brian, "Is our house still there?"

"No", he replied.</blockquote>

I decided to open my eyes at our home we built together, and couldn't believe it was gone. 

I immediately jumped out of the car and got my daughter out to check if she was okay and not badly injured.  She had cuts and scrapes on her body and head but she didn't appear to have a concussion.  Once I knew she was okay I then started to worry about our neighbors and our animals.  I had left our beloved cat in the kitchen to run freely, and by the looks of our home, there wasn't any way he could have survived.

I ran to the house and started screaming.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  My daughters room was all over the front yard.  I could see our living room furniture from the street.  The only part of our house still standing was a small portion of the west wall of our kitchen.  

I yelled for our cat thinking, he always comes to the mention of his name, at any moment he'll come running out from under the brick to let me know he is alive.  

That was when I heard banging from the direction of our back yard.  Our neighbors were in our storm shelter!  They were trapped!  A steel pole had wrapped its way around the handle of our shelter, trapping them inside.  Brian managed to get them free and that's when we realized, all of our neighbors could be trapped; I immediately ran to search. 

I was frantic, I couldn't think except about everyone being gone.  I thought, they were all in their homes and now we will never see them again.

Power lines were lain everywhere, sparks protruding from their broken ends.

My daughter was screaming next to the car for our cat, but I couldn't think straight no matter how hard I tried.  I couldn't help but think 100 miles an hour about everyone and everything.  Were our neighbors okay? What about paisley; was he alive? I couldn't phone anyone because they had stopped all communication when the tornado first touched down.  There wasn't any getting out to anyone, or them getting me via my mobile.

<blockquote>Brian grabbed me and said calmly, "worry about your daughter; she  needs you. I will check for our neighbors, don't worry."</blockquote>

After he said that I couldn't help but feel like the worst mother alive.  I grabbed her and held her tight.  I couldn't help but cry with her, all hope of being strong for her had died.

Our elderly neighbor from a house down came over and hugged us, asking if we were okay.  He knew I was in shock, so he urged me to bring my daughter to his house that happened to still be standing, and bring us inside.  We enter his home to see part of the roof gone, and debris all over his living room.  He applied slight force to my shoulders telling me to sit down and try to relax, that everything would be okay, but I couldn't stop crying.  I felt like my heart would jump out of my chest at any moment.  He handed me towels to wipe the debris from our rain drenched bodies, and blood from our faces.  I felt like I was dying; I felt as though I would have a heart attack and die right there in front of my precious daughter.  I was having a panic attack; I couldn't breathe.

I told my daughter to come on, that I couldn't just sit there any longer, I had to go outside and get fresh air.  As we walked outside, I saw others running frantically down the street.  They were yelling for help from a nurse!  I had recently left school for nursing, so I ran in their direction, unaware of what I'd find.  On the way, I yelled at Brian to watch after my daughter, that a nurse was needed down the street and how I didn't want her seeing anything that might traumatize her.  As I approached the end of the street, I saw pale legs coming out from the other side of a vehicle.  As I rounded the vehicle, I saw a woman on the ground, her body slightly mangled, with two people attempting cpr.

<blockquote>"How many reps have you attempted?" I asked, knowing there wasn't any help I could provide at that point.

"We've done 5 and she is still unresponsive.  Her son was knocked out for some time as well, but he believes she's been unresponsive for 30 minutes", she said.</blockquote>

I knew I couldn't help, but if I didn't at least try, I would never be able to forgive myself.  I tried one rep, with no response.  The woman had already possessed a blue tint in her skin, telling me there was nothing that could be done.  I stood up over her lifeless body to see Brian bringing my daughter to the scene.

<blockquote>"NO! Don't let her come any closer!" I yelled, as he approached the vehicle.</blockquote>

He covered her eyes and proceeded to walk up to our neighbor who had passed, just as they were covering her with a blanket.  I watched her son drop to his knees and scream to the skies.  I felt his pain and sorrow all over my body as chills touched my spine.  I felt helpless. Should I take him in my arms? Should I give my apologies? What is the proper thing to do in scenarios like this?  This wasn't a movie. This is the lives of people living right here, on our very own street.

Brian grabbed my shoulders and pulled me from the scene, walking us back in the direction of our once home.  As we neared the car that sheltered us from the storm, he told me all of our other neighbors were safe.  He said gas leaks were everywhere and that it was no longer safe to stay; we had to leave.  We rode our mangled car from the scene and worked our way out of what once was a lovely suburban neighborhood.  Never in my life had I seen so much destruction with my own eyes.  I had never seen anything like it.  EVERYTHING was gone.

It took us five hours getting out of Moore that day.  What could have been a ten minute drive out of town, took us literally five hours.  Everyone was screaming or running frantic through the streets, looking for others that might be trapped.  Animals were everywhere, searching for their lost owners.

We later learned the tornado had been an EF5, which is the worst recorded tornado to touch down, with 250-300 mph winds.  We also learned our neighbor and her son had taken shelter in a closet within their home.  They were thrown from inside their home, to the street.  The son had hit the sidewalk, but the mother had hit her own car in the driveway, we believe dying on impact.  That family will always be in our hearts.

In those following days, we battled not only our own thoughts and fears, but our very own military.  If we had known what was about to happen after that horrid day, we would have stayed on our property, gathering everything we could...but we didn't.  The military showed up the next day, and our sorry excuse for a president, the week after.  Our military had engaged road blocks all over town; their reason was "looters".  We fought with these men in camouflage every single day post disaster.  The day after, they allowed us to go back in and dig through what was left of our lives, but only by foot; they wouldn't allow us to drive our vehicle in.  The sun was shining that day, so we spent what time we could just looking for clothes because all we had were the clothes on our backs. I grabbed as much as I could before I got overwhelmed with panic and felt I had to leave.  We left thinking, 'our things will be okay, no need to worry.  There isn't any way people would steal from us'. We were sadly mistaken.

The second day, we walked back to discover not only were we looted, but all of the houses that were still partially standing had been looted too.  It rained all day that day, but we knew, if we don't get our things now, we won't have anything left.  We spent all day digging through the rubble of our home, in the rain.  We pulled so much out, we knew we had to get the truck to put our things in. Everything was wet from rain and busted water pipes, therefore heavy.  We left to get the truck only to have the military tell us no, there wasn't any way we were getting in to retrieve our things.  I was appalled!  They were supposed to be there to help us but they were doing everything but helping.  We drove, and drove, wasting so much time trying to find an entrance that hadn't been found by the military, without any luck.  We drove to the other side of town, on the edge of Moore and into Oklahoma City, and asked a police officer how we could possibly get the truck to our house, that we were being forced out.  The officer told us to call the city of Moore, that they were the  authority with power.  He also informed us, Oklahoma City was not keeping their citizens from their homes. 

 I immediately got on the phone with the City of Moore.  I didn't know the name of the gentleman I spoke to, as he didn't want his name known, but he hatefully told me the reason we weren't being allowed into our neighborhood was because of looters.  I informed him I found it completely illogical to keep us as citizens from entering our neighborhood, but they couldn't keep those who lived there and weren't affected out.  These were the people stealing from us, our very own neighbors! I proceeded to tell him he wasn't helping us but instead hurting us. His response, "oh well."  

(To the man who so hatefully shunned us from our home, I hope you read this and know you disgust me.)

We decided to head back to our street and see if talking to the military would make any difference.  They couldn't tell us no with a clear conscience right?  I couldn't have been more wrong.  They again told us we could walk in, but couldn't drive, after they saw the address on our license.  We just knew we couldn't carry everything half a mile from our lot, so we sought help from friends.  We managed to find helping hands as well as wheelbarrows, so we ventured into the unknown.  We came across a different road block, in our friends' neighborhood that hadn't been hit.  We walked up and made the military road block  aware of the situation, only to have them tell us we couldn't even WALK back to our home with wheelbarrows.  Why not? What kind of person are you to tell us we now can not even walk to our home to grab the things we left out in the open for all to see.  You don't want looters in but yet you are here making it easier for them to loot whatever they want from our home, including our guns we legally own. These men I used to have nothing but respect for because of what they do.  How could they stand there and tell us no?  Hadn't we been through enough?

The days that followed were rough to say the least, and in all honesty, a lot of it is now a blur.  Our cat reappeared 4 days later, on top of our neighbors mangled roof.  A cat that had never been outside, was left four days out in the unknown open world, to tend to himself; he hasn't been the same since.

Our home has since been cleared out and we are now fighting the government and insurance to get rebuilt seeing as FEMA denied us another home loan.  President Obama said the government would be there for us, but we all knew it to be lies, just to make him look like the good guy.  Our government did nothing for us, just as they did nothing for the devastating hurricane and flooding victims'. We hadn't anyone but each other, and even that perspective was skewed. 

People drove from mexico and surrounding states just to loot us.  

Westboro Baptist Church stank up our streets with their psychobabble "christian" bullshit.  

We hurt for weeks on end, and even still we battle the flashbacks of ptsd every time the wind shakes our vehicle.

One day those who took advantage of us will get what they deserve.  Hopefully, one day, our lying president will experience karma at her finest.

Until then, we wait to move on.  That's all we can do, right?

To the families who also lost their homes and children, we will always hold you in our hearts.  To the brave teachers who lost their lives protecting their children, you are the true heroes.  To the thousands of families who adopted the lost animals, you are amazing people.  And to finish, we will never be able to offer up enough thanks to those who did choose to help us and so many others.  There should be more people like you, because this world just doesn't have enough.

R.I.P. to our neighbor Ms. K, and our deepest sympathies to her family. We are deeply sorry for your loss and think of your family every day.